Buttmonkey Muyo Z
by King Spoot
Summary: An experimental piece of writing giving attention to a character who sorely needs it in a setting that he could probably pull off.


As I practice my fanfiction and writing skills, and get the muses back for other planned projects, I figured it wouldn't hurt to write a crossover dealing with an underused character in need of a good pick me up. That's right, everyone, Yamcha, our favorite buttmonkey (per tv-trope's definition). Without further to do, or ado, or whatever the kids these days call it, I present Buttmonkey Muyo Z! Because BMZ sounds cool.

Tenchi and DBZ are owned by their respective creators and distributors.

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**_Prologue_**

Leave life to its own devices and it shall prosper, evolving carefully or taking mutation's risks to adapt and ensure its offspring's well-being. Usually, this is not the finesse of flowing with nature, or the metaphorical addition of politics, by which curved leaves shrug off rainwater and the Cold Empire kept Bills from paying a visit by agreeing both parties equally sought destruction, but rather brute force. Bears break spines and rend flesh, viruses attack and impregnate other microorganisms, and Broly power-housed through everything in a way to alert alternate dimensions, including domains watched by Sailor Pluto and Lord Sesshomaru's father. No, the greatest entities forced their way to the top, smashing aside all obstacles, and doing so in an intelligent manner as to ensure aftershocks for years to come.

It is by this rule which a villain dreamt not of purging an entire galaxy of all celestial objects, or to rule weaker lifeforms, but to seed a single, final form of mighty children and galactic citizens dictated to forge their own worlds. He was not Frieza, a twerp blinded by ego and barely capable of wreaking havoc in the afterlife, nor did he compare to Broly, far more powerful than even Goku at this point, who went from a monster to a muscle bound crybaby requiring constant attention from a highly irritated Vegeta playing supernatural nanny. No, he admitted to the possibility of death, if not embraced it, and understood the programming to continue and expand life. After reaching perfection, he seeded the Earth with cells at a hundred locations, called each one his child, and instructed them to only grow when enough nutrients had been sapped from the soil. His tail routinely pierced asphalt, injected the necessary biomatter, and noted well how a city gave visual and ki based protection from those not bothering to look for lifeless soil under buildings or carefully shift through thousands of people to determine whether or not the energy source was singular or multiple.

Gohan defeated him. Pikkon embarrassed him. Frieza annoyed him. The patience had been worth it, his sadistic grin before the viewing orb giving all of hell's occupants a visual of one hundred craters erupt, one hundred copies fly out of each, and he knowing well his lack of cliché laughter to this success disturbed the other egotistical villains trapped for eternity. "I did not doubt my death. I just didn't look forward to it. Ah, yes, a great mind does ensure the aftershock lasts. And at such great timing! Goku's not on Earth and Gohan's with him on Namek!" Yamcha's image flashed across the orb, slamming through a dome factory, giving reason for Cell to finally laugh. "Oh, this is precious. Let's see how long they can buy time."

]-0-[

It had been far too long for him to properly understand this power, far too long to remember just why fear had a right to take over all senses. Know the chill, that icy sensation creeping up his spine as it did when that energy first sprang to life, accompanied by the smell of decayed skin of bodies emptied by a tail sucking muscle and spirit. After all, how could he be expected to properly note just who owned a lesser ki than his at this point? Yamcha, having pushed himself to keep up with Tien's progress, outclassed Cell's first form. That ki, any villain's ki, he never gave second thought to once surpassed, but to see that monster standing there returned those ugly, gut-churning feelings he had when watching the Androids, Cell and Buu effortlessly tear into his friends.

That did not stop the former bandit locking hands with the resurrected enemy, the one who caused enough pain to send half of the departed souls to be driven insane and converted by demons, a fate of those who suffered a cruel end. That did not prevent the two kis from flaring, driving faster and faster to greater heights, and each attempting to surpass and burn the other. Cell, despite being too powerful for King Yemmah to properly rid of body, still could not break from hell to wreak havoc on the now burning city behind Yamcha, but rather found a way to hide spores for his children to grow. Not once did the Earth Bourne defenders consider a villain creating plans in case of death, such as the spawn with round lips parted to hiss at the scarred hero.

Of this world similar to our own, of a single language mixing elements of many, where one's birth did not dictate color of skin or facial shapes, and magic flourished with fantastical technology, two titans found themselves on equal footing. Silently asking where the others were, oblivious to their fight with other Cell-spawns halfway across the world, and knowing well Goku and Vegeta both struggled to keep anymore explosions from going off near a crater threatening to erupt, Yamcha ignored his aging body protesting its muscles expanding too rapidly to compensate for the flow of energy. At fifty-three years, he might have felt venerated if it were not for Roshi, but that damn well did not stop the aches growing just a bit too early.

No, he had to keep going, to buy precious time for Dende alerting all capable fighters, and replace a wounded Tien during a last ditch defense of Satan City. Ki guided by wolf kindred eased the ex-bandit into a calm state protected only by enhanced intuition. He used the multiple energy sources to repeatedly multiply, tapping into countless areas, building the Kaio-Ken into a Super Saiyan counterpart. Muscles protested, pushing nails into palms by clenched fists, and lungs began to strain from the harsh cry. More and more spirits flocked, eagerly suffering to feel the explosive rush of doubling Ki, watching their human brother rise up to legendary strength. Energy overtook air, filling his lungs with a near painful rush, the bandit's growling roar cutting through the thunderous crack of rocks failing underfoot.

On this day, Yamcha pushed a risky ability to blinding extremes, and refused to back down against two opponents calmly stepping from kicked up dust. Arms crossed, knees bent, and he released the contained aura, compressing fifty yards of earth. _**Kick-Block-Punch-Uppercut-Knee-Punch-Punch-Headbut t-Ground-Spin-Windmill kick-Elbow chin. **__All within a single second. Arms turned into a blur, blocking and counter-attacking the snickering clones striking from both sides. Three sets of legs remained planted, with Yamcha striking by elbows and hammerblows, and the two Cell Jrs suddenly realizing fisticuffs would not work against this buttmonkey. _

"C'mon! I'm still here! I'm the one kicking 'your' asses now!" An inner cry charged his arms, two Wolf Fang Fists made manifest. A fierce backhand to each Cell sent both slamming into the ground. Three more dropped from the sky and he rose to meet them halfway, recharging the double Wolf Fangs, delivering hellish fire and icy winds from melding power. The two below followed suit, joining in on the melee, cracking the sky with thundering blows and the high pitched movement of bodies breaking apart clouds.

Each villain fought once scarred him. Each enemy gave another hurdle to leap. Each time he relearned to not fear the reaper, for he gained a hero's afterlife and realized well Frieza, Ginyu Force and even Vegeta gained heights he could achieve if given proper time. No more would he buckle, tapping into power quietly practiced after finding retirement to be boring, nor wishing to deal with Vegeta's snide comments. Perhaps the Saiyan had been impressed the first time the constant Kaio-Ken churned by wolf totems elevated Yamcha to a status just above the Androids, if one lofty eyebrow signaled as much, giving a much needed boost to constantly shattered morale, but practicing in peace helped the former bandit overcome fears on his own terms.

Vegeta was impressed, despite never saying it out loud. A half hour earlier he goaded the bandit for being the weakest of the bunch, sans Chiatzu. Now, a halfway decent human gave off enough energy for an Ascended Saiyan's workout, the kind of ki felt halfway across the globe where he aided Goku in sealing the ruptured Earth. Perhaps it was not enough for concern, let alone to care over how Yamcha found a way to utilize an efficient Kaio-Ken without burning out, but the human still gained a bit of respect normally held for Piccolo, the only other alien suffering in silence on the damn rock called home. Even Cell took note of Yamcha's final stand, silencing Frieza's snarky commentary by a dismissive hand, and watched the viewing orb in contemplative silence.

No, Yamcha refused to stay down, even when the inevitable Cell JR brought him low, connecting an axe kick over his shoulder. Crashing on hands and knees, Yamcha clawed and pushed to fly forward, slamming into the first Cell to follow, driving it through a building and into a crater. One hand knocked another away, before pointing back at the first offspring and spearing it with a ki bolt. Feeling the remaining four close in, Yamcha turned his sights skyward, breaking the sound barrier thrice over and barreling past three to uppercut one. Those left below scattered to hundreds of ki meteors shotgunning the ground, Yamcha's hand burning from splitting an enhanced Wolf-Fang into a dozen hypersonic bolts.

Through the dust he sailed, gripping two by the neck, pile driving them headfirst into solid rock. Pavement gave way under a knee absorbing the fall's impact, electing a grunt from the fighter. _'No,' _he thought amongst shots fired skyward to ward off another three encroaching Cell Jrs, _'I need to keep going. My body can't give out now.'_ No matter how he ignored it, the Kai-Ken was still wearing through the wolf totems, slowly chipping away at the human body beneath them. Perspiration sizzled from heated brow and arms, mingling in the steamy cloud erupting from a static aura, stinging the eyes after bolting into another opponent. Fists and kicks knocked the offspring aside, a vicious mid-air stomp directing another's acceleration at ninety degrees in an instant, and a Kamehameha blasted a third out of the air.

He felt another group close in and could not turn fast enough. One's shin hit him square in the gut, its opposite heel scissoring and blasting Yamcha through a building. In a quarter second, the bandit exhausted all available spirits and threatened what little remained of bodily integrity. Legs quaked as he rose from the rut carved through the street, shoulders popped after muscles clenched too tightly, and the sickening feeling brought by thundering heart finally convinced him the fight was over. There he stood, oblivious to Goku's messages to hold on and deceased Cell's praise for a surprising last stand, and felt nothing after needle thin ki blasts ruptured everything beneath cracked ribs. He felt nothing, save a comforting sensation brought by a mental visual of wavy velvet spikes hued pink.

Leave life to its own devices, and some motherly scientist with a crazy streak spanning two universes will add to your fate.

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Welcome, gentle reader, to the tale of one Z fighter given better praise.

Welcome to BUTTMONKEY MUYO Z!


End file.
